WHY DO YOU TAKE FISH FROM ONE CAT TO GIVE ANOTHER CAT?

by Dr. James C. Agazie, jamesagazie@gmail.com

The purpose of this essay is to piece together information gathered about conditions in Nigeria from some Nigerians in America and others returning from home to make sense of what is going on. Exactly, what is going on now? How are our people coping? From conversations and texts, it is very difficult to say: “This is how things are.” Nigerians are always talking about money. Money makes headlines, dominates conversations, and occupies the center stage in a drama that is strictly Nigeria. I say drama for good reasons. Everyone on earth has money problems, and even people who have money are often looking for more money.  I don’t attach any significance to money problems anymore because the world’s problem started with quarrels over money, and the world would be a better place if money were banned and considered poisonous.

The story is told of a Nigerian hunter who was carrying an elephant on his head and holding two goats under both arms. If you watch closely, the man could hardly walk upright under the heavy loads. Wait. Don’t go yet till you hear the whole “tory.”  Chimo (my God), this man was trying to pick up mbe (tortoise) with his toes. The moral of the story is that ego adighi eju afo (money does not satisfy empty stomach).  It seems that money is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end of everything Nigerian.  I called up Josiah a bank employee at Abuja.  Josiah proved to be in no mood for talking.  It was Emma, a self-employed entrepreneur in Atlanta, Georgia, that put some meat on the bone, so to speak.

ME: Hello, Josiah, how are things at the bank and in Naija?

JOSIAH:  Things are tough right now.

ME: Meaning?

JOSIAH: Everybody is complaining.

ME:  Josiah, you’re telling me nothing. What are people complaining about?

JOSIAH: Everything.

ME: Like what?

JOSIAH: Like everything

ME: Thank you very much.

I don’t want to call Josiah a fool because he is my nephew, but some nephews are worse than fools. That everyone is complaining doesn’t tell me dooley squat. So what? Who doesn’t complain?  I am complaining of my three cars that aren’t running. One grey Honda needs a new engine. I don’t know what is wrong with the blue Honda, but I am told it needs both the Vtech engine and transmission. The third car needs everything on earth. The radiator leaks muddy water. I am going to junk it. Then I remember Nigerians are excellent mechanics and can fix any vehicle with whatever problems. I say all these things to say five things. One: Tough times never last, but tough people do. Two: Problems are drawbacks in disguise for comebacks. Three: That a man is sick doesn’t mean he is dead. Four: when life gives you a lemon (bad deal) you better make lemonade with what you have. Fifth, that everything is all in the head!  

Wise people don’t just sit on their asses to just complain, do they?  Problems are like that.  When you think you have a handle on Problem A, problem B crops up like a robber who magically appears in your bedroom in the middle of the night. What do you do when the robber holds you tight on your crotches (penis and two scrotums or balls) and squeezes? Yawum, Nyawum! You can jump up if you want your penis and balls to be yanked off. You will be to killed kpamkpam. A wise decision is to pretend to be fast asleep and endure the Yamum to give the robber time to steal all he wants and then get out, leaving your life intact. Do you want to die, my friend?

I jammed (ran into) Emma who is a self-employed Nigerian owning a little business in Georgia. Emma is familiar with Nigeria’s problems from A to Z.

ME : Have you heard Nigerians are complaining that there is no money and  things are tough?

EMMA: Yes, they are always complaining of more than just money, They complaining of aguu.

ME: Do you agu (lion)?

EMMA: No, I mean aguu (hunger). They say they are starving, that there is no food.

ME:  Oh, is that true?

EMMA: it is hard to say. I talked with my mother in Nigeria and asked her “Mama, what do you all eat?” She says they eat sardines and corned beef.

ME’ Does that make sense?

EMMA: No, it doesn’t make sense. Sardines and corned beef are too expensive in Nigeria. You can buy a  can of sardines in America  for just 79 cents  (N275); it costs N3,000 ($8.57) in Nigeria. Corned beef is so cheap in America and Americans don’t care for it or eat it. Nigerians eat very expensive stuffs, they drive,  very expensive cars, dress expensively, and do things that costs too much money. Our people want the best things and yet complain they have no money. They want to ride the best cars, eat the best food,  live in the best mansions. They want the best things on earth, but can’t afford them. They are very stupid people.

ME: Go on. I’m listening.

EMMA: They want the best and when they don’t have the money they complain, thinking the world owes then shit. I’m tired of sending money till I don’t have enough to run my business. What I am doing now is to support my people to come to America so they see money does not grow on trees. I have brought 2 family members over, and I am working on bringing two more .That’s all I can do now.  Getting visa to come is very, very, very tough.  Do you know what I spent to bring two of my people?

ME; No.

EMMA:  Twenty eight thousand dollars. That is fourteen thousand dollars apiece,

ME; Wow! That’s a lot.

EMMA: How do you take fish from one cat and to give to another cat? Buhari is collecting monies from all over the world. What is he doing with all that money? Is he banking it somewhere to be re-stolen by others? Why can’t he use some of those billions just to build roads all over the country? I say just roads only.

ME: Thanks. I think I have gotten the gist of what you are driving at

The gist is this: Nigeria’s problems cannot be solved with just money. When you send money to a brother or sister the whole village hears of it , and pretty soon your cell phone is ringing itself to death. Everyone is asking for a handout . You are in trouble if you don’t send money and in trouble if you do send money. It is a no-win situation. You never hear them say “Thank you.” It is always “My brother, Send dollar.” Why don’t they say “Please” or add ”Thank you?” They won’t say “Please” or “thanks” for all the rice in China.  It is as if you owe them an everlasting debt for sharing blood with them, and you will sooner or later die if you don’t do as they want. 

 It is a messed up situation.  You cannot just keep pouring money into a bottomless latrine that refuses to fill up with shit and urine. You know what a latrine is?  It is a hole you dug in the ground over which you squat and allow your  anus to open up while tightening  the muscles of your abdomen. You let some stinky stuff out. What happens when a latrine fills up? You abandon it and dig another? You don’t really abandon a well.  You drink it when it seeps through the soil into a nearby well and ends up in your tumbler. Then, you’re a shit eater, my friend. A shit eater!

The third person I talked with is a clever Nigerian named Ochapa  from Pleteau.  Ochapa is returning from one of his several trips home. He rents a storage where he stores things he purchases from yard sales and thrift stores  like the Salvation Army, Goodwill, and America’s Thrift Store. Ochapa carries those  things he buys in America to Makurdi by the way of Abuja. This is the time he stocks his shop full for the year. I followed him to his storage and nearly fainted. Ochapa is as busy as a bee and his storage is as packed  as an anthill. I followed Ochapa on his shopping at a thrift (second-hand) store to observe and watch. Ochapa is a painstaking genius.

He specializes in selling “used but extremely very good materials” to Nigerian greedy, rapacious buyers,  He spends countless hours going from store to store, selecting things with the patience of Biblical Job eyes darting back and forth, and side by side as he selects and chooses. Ochapa is as longsuffering as the Igbos, though he is not an Igbo . He sees ladies shoes and sandals going for 99 pennies  (N345) in America, and he calculates selling  them  for thousands of Naira in Nigeria.

Ochapa buys very nice, used, and expensive looking men’s trousers and matching shoes. These things are  supper-dupper luxury items for Nigerian millionaires who want to show off things others don’t have.. Chapa spends 500 dollars (N175,000) on things that he could easily sell for N4,000,000 (15 or 20 times what he pays for them).  I noticed shoes Americans throw away as worthless. Ochapa buys them for a few pennies s and sells for a sum that would make you wonder if you  have been wasting your life away dying on professional jobs . Ochapa once bought a Mazda for $3,000 and resell it for $18,000 in Nigeria to one Big Man Oga.   Ochapa is as cunning a fox  and has tongue of a serpent  with which he beguiles and deceives those-called millionaires who have expensive tastes for the “best foreign things.” These are the people Ochapa targets and makes millions of Naira from. Wait a minute o! Ochapa has completed a house at Makurdi and is buying land to begin another house. His method of operation is simple: TARGET STUPID NIGERIANS WHO WANT THE BEST, TAKE THEIR MONEY , AND KICK THEIR ASSES. PROMISE THEM TO BRING MORE “AMERICA-SPEC” STUFFS.

Let us talk with my former student who now has the PhD. His name Is Dr. P. Chike.

ME: Dr Chike, our people are complaining of no money, no food and things are hard.

CHIKE: They are stupid. Let them starve. And, Doc, don’t mind them. Nigerians are lazy, and very lazy. Igbos are the laziest of the bunch.

ME: What do you mean?

CHIKE: I mean what I mean, When I was at Jos, I noticed the Hausas and other Jos people get up before dawn, in darkness to go into the bush with tractors and farm implements to cut bushes down and till the soil to be ready to sow seeds.

ME: In the dark? Are you sure? Remember I taught you, and you cannot lie to me . You just can’t lie

CHIKE: I saw it. There is plenty of food in Jos in Plareau and Markurdi in Benue. Benue and Plateau are  Nigeria’s  food baskets.

ME I know that. I once drove from Abuja to Jos and saw plenty of food displayed on the roadsides. But when I drive through Anambra…. Is it because of lack of land?

CHIKE: No. Why are Igbos complaining of hunger? Let them starve to death. Igbos are lazy and always dreaming of becoming multi-millionnaires. Idiots! Let them starve. .

ME: What? Dr. Chike, do you mean it? Let them starve? And you’re Anambra man, not Jos man?

CHIKE: Yes, let them starve to death, Doc.

CONCLUSIONS: Why are things very hard for igbos. They are smart, very educated, and so-called movers and shakers of Nigeria, aren’t they? Why are they suffering? Why do my Igbo relatives na atakasim (biting all over me) for money? I sent a text to a relative and his wife, both Igbos . I was seeking to help them go into farming. The man ignored my text; his wife responded with anger and insults.

MY TEXT I hear the Nigerian government is giving loans and equipment to people to grow food. Can we start farms to grow cassava, yam, corn, and rice where my parents once lived in the former Benue Plateau? I will provide the money and you hire workers to do the work and I pay them?

WIFE:  U want my husband to go farming so thorns will wound him? Prof, you’ re a stupid man.

By Dr.James C. Agazie, jamesgazie@gmail .com, jamesagazies. Blogspot .com