PASTOR OR HUSBAND: WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THE HOME?

Essay contains some profanities. Readers’ discretion is advised.

Frank was jealous of his wife’s Pastor. An older Nigerian student who had emigrated from Nigeria a few years earlier and was enrolled at a college located in this writer’s Georgia community, Frank was such a  remarkable character he could not be easily forgotten, The big news was that Frank knocked the front teeth of Pastor Smith’s mouth in retaliation for simple loss of consortium. 

Consortium is the benefits a man derives from being married to his wife. The benefits include but are not limited to sex, companionship, groping, association, syndicate, and consideration,   Frank said his wife was performing wifely duties meant for him  to another man, and he did not like it. Not one bit.

Frank’s wife was an ardent devotee who enthusiastically was addicted to the pursuit of a pastor and his Pentecostal brand of sermons. Frank, described himself as a Catholic Nigeria-American who had served the Biafran army as Ojukwu’s aide de-camp; he was noted for doing the most unheard of, the most unthinkable, and the crudest thing the Nigerian community thought a student was capable of doing. He gave an upper cut and Pastor Smith’s teeth sounded like broken glass as they fell on the marble floor.

Readers ought to be mindful that, since my family has a long list of pastors, I find it uncomfortable, painful, a scratchy pain-in-the-ass for a student to drag a college official into a  private war against pastors. I have often avoided such embarrassment until Frank made one startling statement that was provocative and inflammatory. It was also rabble-rousing at the age when women are derailing men’s careers with sex harassment charges. Frank  said he didn’t like men to mess with “my pussy.” He shouldn’t have said that, coming from an older Nigerian.

“What did you just say, Frank?” I asked half amused and half annoyed..

“I said I don’t want anyone to tamper with my very own pussy, didn’t I say that? “ He responded defiantly.

Look trouble! Didn’t I say I didn’t wish to be entwined in Nigerian students’ palaver with women? That’s what I said. In my long career as Professor and Director of the Office of International Students on several U S campuses, the thorniest assignment I had had to contend with was  break up fights among students over such silly stories as “this man  stole my pussy” and “that bitch’s pussy used to be mine.”  

Nigerian men have developed sudden interest in American women since the last time I heard women from Nigeria were not better than, and in some cases, not worse than their American counterparts in discernible ways.  Already, Nigerian men do have problems with women from their home, and the situation is disheartening when the same Nigerians men are also having problems with American women.

Getting back to Frank’s statement about someone tampering with “my own pussy,” the statement  was particularly troubling. Does a man have a vagina? Who would want to mess with  a man who had a vagina? What did Frank mean by “my pussy” and “my very own pussy”? Pressed to elaborate, Frank went on to qualify his statement with another parable which was equally nonsensical. He said that “a wise monkey is a monkey who does not monkey with another monkey’s monkey.”

Look at trouble again! This writer is not good at interpreting parables, and certainly not used to dissecting a folktale or allegory from any one of those Nigerian tongue-twisting languages. Frank’s parable about a wise monkey monkeying or not monkeying with a monkey’s monkey, stuck in this writer’s mind like chicken pox stuck to you as a child when your parents thought you were dying from oko na  aru oku na isi awuwa (Igbo for body itch, fever, and headache).

The purpose of this essay is to talk about monkeys and how a particular monkey monkeyed around until there was a repercussion. The moral of the story is that men seeking to be husbands must beware of pastors who, like monkeys, are creating problems in the community from the pulpit. The problem has come to be known as the PPP (pulpit people palaver). It is time we found ways to hammer a ceasefire between pastors and warring complainants.

The complainants are the boyfriends or husbands of female church goers who, like flies, flock to churches their husbands have marked as “no fly zone.” Paying attention to this essay would create a better relationship between pastors and their parishioners, as well as prevent an embarrassing altercation from escalating in the future to the point where teeth are knocked out.

The monkey altercation is not a friendly chat. It is not just a childish argument, quarrel, disagreement, or exchange. It is an adult dispute, confrontation, or clash in which a monkey is asserting inflexible rights over those who are being accused of monkeying with this particular monkey’s monkey.

A right asserted in a monkey business is an inflexible one in that the assertion is unbending, uncompromising, obstinate, unyielding, intransigent, or simply strict. Such was the situation Frank was in as he protected “my very own pussy.” Complaints about pastor’s incursions into homes or pastor’s  instances of misbehavior are rampant, widespread, fecund. And it is not new. 

Pastoral misconduct has spanned generations, having originated at the Garden of Eden with our doting Great Grandparents.  Adam and Eve had Paradise all to themselves along with the right to do as they chose. They had a blithe, untroubled existence. Their only restriction was “don’t eat from that particular tree”. What that fruit was is the subject of this essay, if readers can exercise patience and a spirit of discernment or perspicacity as the story unfolds.

Our Great Grandparents were the luckiest human beings on earth. Trouble came when  jaywalker Pastor named Serpent strayed from his path and sauntered into an area Serpent was not supposed to be. Satan was an uninvited guest, a meddler, a trespasser, and thief. He often lied. As expected, trouble always comes na mberede (Igbo for suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, or all at once).  

Frank’s trouble started quite capriciously in stages: In Stage One: a monkey sees a monkey he likes. In Stage Two: the monkey interferes, hinders, restricts the movement, attempts to interject or obstructs a monkey’s freedom of association.  In Stage Three:  a serious attempt is made to steal a pussy, and here is where frank comes in with his boxing gloves or bare fists.

In Stage Four, the thief is apprehended, or caught red-handedly. In Stage Five: an altercation (palaver or commotion) takes place. Why did Moses or whoever wrote the book of Genesis use an apple as disguise, mask, camouflage, masquerade, cover, cloak, front, or veneer to illustrate a point, namely, the danger of monkeying around with a sex organ belonging to another?

Why didn’t the Bible call a spade a spade, or just call a pussy a pussy? What is so shameful about calling pussy by name, such as otu, ikpu or vagina?  Didn’t the Lord create it just as He had created the ear, nose , pubic hair, or clitoris?

If you really want to know why the hiding and falsification of a body part, you’d better take it up Moses or Joshua who took assumed leadership after the death of Moses and who led the people into the Promised Land. If you are still not satisfied with the answer you have, you may take it to the Emory University’s Candler School of Divinity before a committee of Professors of Old Testament.

The point is that Frank knocked out the teeth of Pastor Smith (fictitious ) who was fiddling with his wife’s vagina. Frank called Pastor Smith a serpent, and believed the serpent that deceived Eve was a pastor who had a habit of monkeying with an unwary male monkey’s female monkey.

According to Frank’s theory, many people have historically dreaded or hated agwo (Igbo  for all poisonous snakes) for obvious reasons. The hatred extends to all snakes, and emanates mostly from  the snake’s  serpentine disposition. A serpentine is a person who is winding, meandering,  twisting, bending, roundabout, circuitous, or indirect like a poisonous snake or Pastor who uses sermons to steal pussy.

Who better captures that serpentine character than the clergy? The protagonist in this essay is a pastor. He is the main character. He plays the leading role as the hero. The only difference is that this hero is not the good guy. He is the BBB ( big bad bully) that steals pussy when owner-husband is not watching. 

From the story of Adam and Eve, Frank would have us believe that the Pastor and Serpent are two sides of the same coin. According to Frank, Mr. Pastor turned into Mr. Serpent when he told Grandmother Eve: “Hey, there! Don’t mind your husband and don’t believe the story he tells you that God said ‘Don’t eat that tree’s fruits’. There’s nothing wrong with the fruits. Eat them. Go on!”

Grandmother Eve said to her Pastor Serpent, “Oh, dear, I believe you. Our men are liars.” Serpent then said rather authoritatively: “Woman, never should you ever believe deceptive stories your men weave like spiders webs inside the home to control you and hinder your movements outside the home,”  

“Step out,” the Serpent ordered Eve, “B e mine.. Become my monkey, not your husband’s servant. Experience the freedom!”

Frank’s story shades light on Serpent’s deception. The aim of this story is to assist monkeys whose monkeys are being monkeyed with to resist pastors’ encroachments. Monkeys are advised to take better ownership of their homes and to wrest control from pastors.

One way to wrest control is to be very assertive in ordering the Serpent out of the property through forcible ejection or direct commands (“Get out of here right now!”). Husbands should avoid saying “Would you please leave my property alone?’ You do not have to beg for what is yours. Be assertive, self-confident, and forceful, self-assured, confident, emphatic, and insistent.

Frank did not like pastors.  I say “did not like pastors” because Frank has since passed on , leaving behind a daughter and American wife.  Frank and this writer had agreed on many issues affecting American churches but had  very strong disagreements  about  American pastors. It was Frank’s opinion that  pastors draw women to the churches by special magic as magnet pulls a needles, and that the women who fill pastors’  front pews each Sunday morning – under a  specific spell-have one purpose in mind: to have sex with pastors. Frank did not like pastors to trespass upon what he considered to be “my pussy’ and “my very own pussy.”

Trespass is defined in law by the act of knowingly entering another person’s property without permission. Such action is held to infringe upon a property owner’s legal right to enjoy the benefits of ownership. Criminal charges, which range from violation to felony, may be brought against someone who interferes with another person’s legal property rights.

Criminal trespasses, depending on the venue of jurisdiction and case circumstances, fall under Criminal trespasses, depending on the venue of jurisdiction and case circumstances, fall under different subsets of law. When a trespass is carried out against another person, rather than against his/her property, the trespasser is likely to be charged with assault or battery. Actions violating the real property another are handled as Trespasses to Land. Violations to personal property are handled as torts.

Under Tort  Law, a property owner like Frank may bring a Civil Law suit against a trespasser in order to recover damages or receive compensatory relief for injury suffered as a direct result of a trespass. In a tort action, the plaintiff must prove that the offender had, but knowingly violated, a legal duty to respect another person’s right to property, which resulted in direct injury or loss to the plaintiff.

Frank had neither the time nor the patience for the law. He didn’t have the money for litigation. Frank simply took the law into his Nigerian hands. “The worst offenders,” Frank said, “are the women who sit in front rows with short dresses and who keep legs ajar for a pastor to look under.” When asked why this was so, Frank  said: “ Women see pastors as gods that are visible to the naked eyes.” Frank’s special dislike  for pastors was absolute, meaning outright, out-and-out, utter, and unalterable.

“When I marry a woman”, Frank said,  “the pussy is all mine.” That was  Frank’s belief as he narrated a litany of the transgression of pastors, He decided to punch Pastor Smith.

Frank’s wife was a fervent aficionado of preaching and preachers. She was a habitue’ of clergymen,  meaning she made a habit of frequenting a certain pastor’s place of work for some reasons. While Pastors’ sphere of influence ought to be limited to saving lost souls rather than to be in amorous relationship with another monkey’s monkey, sometimes strange things do happen a times. Frank had made it very clear to his small circle of friends,

“I am the king  of this place,  and I provide for and I protect this place from outside harms, especially from bad pastors.” To Frank, a bad pastor is a monkey that monkeys with another monkey’s monkey.

This Anambra businessman named Mike O had a serious problem similar to Frank’s. Because Mike’s Nigerian wife runs to her Pastor for everything before she runs to Mike,  Mike  enlisted this writer’s help the activities of a wife. Mike’s wife (Monica) goes to this Nigerian man’s church, despite her husband’s warning “to cool it.” To cool it meant Monika should not ignore to cook Sunday breakfast before rushing to Sunday School. She should also cook Wednesday and Friday dinners on days the Bible studies are held.

Monica dumps her entire nurse’s paycheck and on the pastor’s laps, though Mike needs some of that money to run his tire shop. Monica’s car is first in line at the head of a motorcade-like procession that takes the pastor to dinner on his birthday. She is a cosigner of the bank loan that purchased a luxury SUV for the pastor. She is the PFC (the principal financial cornerstone of the Cornerstone Evangelistic Ministry.

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Mike begged and this writer agreed  to pay a surprise visit to Mike’s wife’s  church where several  Nigerian women, including Monica, served as the deaconess and stewardesses. These women wear immaculate, expensive diamond-studded lappers and matching blouses; their shoes are like Cinderella’s  as they parade in front of church in the vicinity of the pastor’s podium.

Are they competing  for the pastor’s attention? Why was it that as the pastor preached and the choir sang, these Nigerian women would leave their seats and walk to the platform where they dumped large wads of money and gifts wrapped in little boxes?. They seemed to vie for who would outdo the 

others or to catch the pastor’s attention with the amounts of money and the number of wrapped goods they drop at the podium.   

Married men are losing their wives to vultures in priestly clothes also known as Ndi Okwu Chukwu (Igbo for People of the Word of God). They are known by other names, such as MOG (Men of God). Frank said Bishop Smith belonged to  Ndi Mmo Ojo-o (Igbo for People of the evil spirit or Satanic powers).

The trouble started when  Frank’s wife Elsie got a job as elementary school  teacher  and later moved on  to be Assistant Professor at State College in which Frank was enrolled as undergraduate student in accounting. Frank made history when he became the first foreign student to marry one of the College’s professors. He was also the first to graduate with the highest distinction in accounting, and the first to set up accounting business immediately after graduation. Elsie and Frank fell in love. They had a big wedding on campus. A baby was soon born.

All went well until Elsie developed a strong interest in a Pentecostal church and joined the membership. She sang well in the choir, and performed other duties, which included Pastor Smith’s church secretary. Bishop Smith liked the cakes and pies the new secretary baked and  brought behind the sanctuary Many mistakes had been made.

Mistake One  was that Pastor Smith fell in love with a church goer. Mistake Two was that the church goer  was Frank’s wife. Mistake Three was that Frank hated all pastors whom he accuses of stealing women’s pussy.

Pastor Smith was an ugly African-American veteran with broad nose and puckered face. He had  retired from the military and he had a rhetoric that magnetizes women. One thing going for Bro Smith was he was a good orator who expounds on the Word of God in ways that had women crying and hollering.

 A few things about this Frank thing often confused me and kept me smelling a rat, not just  worrying. Frank was older Nigerian man just coming to Ameican college campus after serving as aide-de-camp  in Ojulkwu’s  Biafran War. Wonders would never end in this world. What got into the head of a friend to go to parsonage,  to knock at the door and wait, and  when the pastor opened the door, the friend stepped in as if he were a guest invited for the Sunday dinner.

His fists were clenced, and he was a stocky, thickset, sturdy, stout man, and he regularly drank the bitter Stout beer and the Heinekens as he did in Biafra. Frank l

ifted the pastor up in the air with his left hand. As he set the pastor down, Frank landed a powerful blow to the pastor’s mouth. Pow! Frank said that he knocked out the pastor’s teeth along with some blood.

Something else bothered me about Elsie, the American woman, was that she had a child out of wedlock before setting eyes on Africans she was to marry. She hid the child from Frank until the day of the wedding. A good thing going for Elsie was that she had the MEd (Master of Education degree) and was hired as middle school teacher in town. Another thing was that set Elsie apart was that she was  seductive and had huge hips, tiny abdomen and very generous breasts. Friends said that Elsie had the Figure 8.

Under the Pentecostal denomination, there is  no prescribed training for preachers. You just “answer the call” and you learn under male pastors on how to set up your own house  of  prayer. If you are lucky and work hard under the church owner you are likely to be ordained as pastor in a matter of days.

An impatient man who drove taxi and did deliveries for local businesses and airports, Frank repeated the knock at the pastor’s door. He stood at attention with right hand balled in fists behind his  back. As soon as the door opened, Frank stepped in. Frank faced the pastor, Frank lifted the pastor up in the air with his left hand. As he set the pastor down, Frank’s balled fists jerked forward from his right side, and  landed a powerful blow to the pastor’ s mouth. 

Mike has not gone as far as Frank had gone. But anyone can understand Frank. It is a painful thing for a man to work his ass off on a job and another man is sucking his blood like a vampire through his fanatic wife who looks up to the Pastor as if he were God, and who  dresses the Pastor better than the way she dresses her husband.

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Mike says his wife buys a silk suit made in China or japan for the Pastor while Mike wears  the cheap  stuff made of  polyester. The result is this: Husband works and Pastor chops and enjoys. Husband is jealous of Pastor. Husband thinks: “Oh, he smells better than I do. Perhaps, his penis is thicker ad longer than mine. We'll see!”

Frank took a quick action  and made a quick exit, while Mike, like Adam,  foolishly stood there, helplessly watching events go by. You’ve heard it said that a wise monkey is a monkey that does not monkey with another monkey’s monkey.