How I gave bribes in Nigeria and mastered the rules that beat the corruption

This is the truth for me and perhaps for you too. As a Nigerian, you are more likely to give and demand bribery than other Africans.

You’ve experienced bribery in Nigeria, haven’t you? In case you are playing ignorant, pretending to be moralistic, or ashamed to admit it, you are likely to be a victim of corruption in your country.

Come to think of it. Your parents must have paid money to obtain services at a Nigerian secondary school, hospital, public university, NEPA or some other government-controlled facility in order to obtain some amenities.

Some of the Nigerian professors you see are using diplomas obtained through bribery, and have you heard of senators and other Nigerian leaders who are alleged to have academic degrees that are either fake or traced to bribery?

If you want to play ignorant, you’re inviting us to spill the beans on a carefully hidden secret; bribery is alive, rampant, endemic and a way of life in your poor country. We are led by corrupt leaders and  our country is populated by corrupt citizens who enjoy what bribery can do. Period!

A sure way to combat corruption is to admit it is a problem and to examine why we give and take bribes. Do you want to be like the ostrich that buries his head in the hot sand only to find out he is stricken with blindness?

According In the words of former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan (Annan, K. (2004). ‘Forward’ UN convention against corruption. Vienna: United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime), corruption has dire consequences.

Mr.Annan says: “Corruption hurts the poor disproportionately diverting funds intended for development, undermining a government’s ability to provide basic services, and feeding inequality and injustice”.

That poor Nigerians are more likely to be bribe payers and wealthier Nigerians and those in positions of power over essential services more likely to be bribe-takers, seems to be plausible.

Nigeria’s bribery scheme is prodigious, a phenomenon that is inarguable, undeniable, unquestionable, incontrovertible. It is just irrefutable, indisputable, despicable.

A thing is plausible if it is reasonably, possibly, credibly, or conceivably likely to happen. That the giving or asking for bribery is a daily occurrence in Nigeria is indisputable. Dispute it all you want. This writer would bet it is easier for Buhari to defeat boko haram than overthrow bribery.

This essay is about bribery, also known as corruption or inducement. This essay describes the writer’s experiences with bribes in his home country. A few years ago and as recently as January, 2019, this writer was in situations where he gave bribes and saw bribery change hands.

A s I accompanied a host at whose house I had spent a few weeks at Lagos, I had witnessed the most egregious form of bribe that resulted in the slashing of electric bill by almost 50 percent.  Host and I went to NEPA so my host could pay a sum less than his official NEPA electric bill.

We went because my host complained the NEPA bill of about 7,000 Naira (about 28 US dollars at 250 Naira per dollar) was too much.

Although I had thought that the bill was reasonable since my host named Nweke (fictitious for protection purposes) had not paid his electric bill for two consecutive months until NEPA threatened to cut off services. We marched arrogantly and authoritatively to NEPA offices and secretly accosted the clerk at a back door.

Nweke handed the clerk a bribe of 500 Naira and the bill was reduced  from 7,000 Naira to 4,000 Naira (or 2,000 Naira per month). We left NEPA offices and my host was as happy as a lark, saying he had beaten the system and saved 36% of his original bill. He used the saving to purchase beer and fuel for the generator.

I was stupefied when Nweke lectured me on the necessity of bribery.  He said, “You have to give bribe in order to survive in Nigeria. People expect bribes from you and you’re expected to give them bribes.”  Stupefying!

To be stupefied is to be amazed, dazed, confused, stunned, or befuddled. It is puzzling to hear my host say you must give and demand bribes because bribes are expected to be a way of life for you.  Efuelam (I’m lost)!

It was utterly unbelievable to hear such utter nonsense, irreverence from Nweke,  a Nigerian graduate with the Master of Commerce degree from a college in India.

More recently in February this year, I went to claim a vehicle I had shipped to Lagos and was directed to offices in Lagos and Anambra to pay a fee for a tinted glass certificate on a vehicle I had imported to Nigeria and wanted to drive in the East.

I realized  I had to pay bribes in order to operate my personal vehicle on roads in my country and could you imagine police stopping me on a desolate road if I did not have papers showing compliance with “the tinted glass law?”

I was required to pay 10,000 Naira at Lagos and another 15,000 Naira in Anambra, all bribe money, in order to comply with a jungle law. Having witnessed Nweke my host slash his electric bill by half made bribery seem routine, “no big deal.” Nweke said bribes are necessary to survive in Nigeria. I must survive, mustn’t I?

I thought: Why must I pay for window glass tint which I did not need in America and which the bribe takers said was required by Nigerian law? I remember Nweke’s bribe-is-good lecture. I calmed down.

Everyone in Nigeria seems to expect and ask for bribes, even the police busily directing traffic. The security at check points openly and unashamedly demand “kola nuts” (gifts, usually a bribe).  I had fun giving little kola nuts in the form of little bribes. Oh my God!

After my driver stopped at a busy round-about, and vehicles stopped on all sides,  I would beckon the starving police to approach me. As he stood by my window, I would shake his hand and leave 50 Naira in his clammy palm. The man goes back to work and let my vehicle proceed ahead of others.  Interesting!

Policemen and soldiers at checkpoints are interesting people. I asked the driver to keep a batch of currency- 50 Naira and 20 Naira- on dashboard. The trick is to shake the men’s hands and slap a bribe-folded paper money- into sweaty, crab-like palms.

Bribes work like magic, especially if I do not want to be stopped, my time wasted, and silly papers checked by underpaid men who would rather be drinking beer in a cool place than standing and perspiring under the hot tropical sun.   

But there are things one can do to reduce the risk of paying bribes. The man I had hired as driver to chauffeur me around. knew three rules to get around persons asking for bribery.

Rule One is to make sure your vehicle is washed, clean, and looks expensive. Police are less likely to demand bribes from operators of clean and expensive vehicles than those whose vehicles are cheap and dirty.

Rule Two is this: If you are vehicle owner and riding with your chauffeur, be sure to dress nice in expensive attire and look important. Bribe takers are less likely to accost a wealthy motorist who might assert their rights and report bribe takers to state authorities. 

  

There is a third rule. Because highly educated persons are less likely to be asked to pay bribes, it is advisable to flaunt your college degrees and let it be known that you are chief, doctor, lawyer, professor, PhD, senator, pastor, and so forth.  

You flaunt by displaying your education or showing your ” big-manism.”  It should strike fear in the bribe taker’s heart. I learned to master the three simple rules.

Dr. James C. Agazie, jamesagazie@gmail.com; jamesagazies.blogspot.com

Posted Thursday, May30,2019